I'm candid about my resistance to endings. I love jumping into new things and starting new projects, but I freeze when I think about endings.
I know endings are good for me, and that ~something has to end for something to begin~, but my default is to always look for a way to make things work. And to be honest, this is an unhealthy pattern that I am trying to unlearn.
My god, this pattern made me stay in toxic relationships, stay in a job for years (even if I knew very well I wasn't valued), and stick to patterns because of the comfort of familiarity.
But lately, I've been reflecting on how I've been handling endings, and I think I might have a much healthier relationship with it now.
Note: I'm not jumping up and down and welcoming the whole concept with arms wide open, okay? But unlike before, I just let it happen.
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I think I started trying to be more gentle with endings a few years ago when I was going through a break-up—it was a giant tower moment for me. It didn't only shake the relationship side of things, but it also affected my career, goals, and other relationships in my life.
I remember thinking that I needed to be patient with myself because I had bigger plans for "single” me. And I'm so happy I had this mindset then because when I looked back at my journals and playlists at that time, they were so hopeful. Literally, my playlists were full of hopeful songs. When I look back at it now, that break-up was actually the best thing that happened to me. (Thank U, Next, indeed — best believe I cried one afternoon listening to this song)
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Like I said earlier, I'm trying to approach endings with gentleness and accepting the fact that it's not easy, but it's good.
So, when I feel that I'm about to face an ending or there's one that's approaching, I ask myself if this situation/person/idea/project fills my cups, and if it doesn't then, I try to allow myself to release it. When I find myself holding on to it more, I know it's my ego and my pride talking, but when I decide to face myself and surrender, I feel much lighter and more myself. (This is something I’m trying to learn every day).
I'm trying to look at endings now as an opportunity for me to start again with more clarity. By embracing redirection, I transform and grow, and I find this thought very comforting. When I say this to myself, I trust the fall and land softly on my feet.
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2021 is about to end in a few weeks—maybe you achieved goals, perhaps you didn't, maybe you ended a relationship, or left a job; either way, be gentle with yourself.
Endings are wins, too, you know? Because you get to start again.
When I was thinking of who I should connect with for this topic, I instantly thought of my friend Ina. She’s going through her own transitions with grace, force, and sureness, and I’m so excited to see where this new adventure will take her.
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When I was thinking of the theme for December, I immediately thought of endings and beginnings and I knew I was supposed to talk to you about this. I think it's safe to say that you're going through some big transitions in your life—where do you think you are at the moment? What are these big changes?
I honestly feel like I'm currently in the purgatory of my late 20s. Hahaha, like what you've said, I'm going through these big, big, BIG changes in my life but it also feels like I'm still preparing myself for much bigger things ahead. Pre-pandemic Ina wouldn't have even imagined I'd go through these things ALL at the same time. To be specific, I recently just left a long-term relationship and I also just moved out. I'm still 11 minutes away from my home but still... I'm now here in my new place, alone.
You just moved out of your home and you're living alone! Congratulations! In some way, you've closed a chapter of your life and started a new one, how does it feel?
It's been four days since I've moved in and I'm still tired from all the emotional, mental, and physical labor I had to go through for this move. Very much taxing but at the same time I know I've reached a milestone in my life. I do miss Nori (my dog) a lot and I've already broken down once because of it. But I've been sheltered and taken care of my whole life and it feels refreshing (and challenging) to take care of things on my own. Like how I've justified my decision to my family, as the spoiled sibling / child, I truly believe I need to do this for my own sake.
I'm only reflecting on it now as I answer this because I haven't had the time to fully think about the change and I feel like I deserve a pat on the back (by myself, not a mumu. Help, why did I think of that).
What is your relationship with endings and beginnings?
I've always believed that endings and beginnings are everywhere and are inevitable. Every decision you make for the day is already either an ending or a beginning of a thing. Does that make sense? Haha. Cos how I see it, life tricks you into thinking that choices are just options in situations but in reality those choices are endings and beginnings of things.
How did the past year change you? Did you think you'd be where are you now? What was serving you then but isn't serving you now?
I feel like the pandemic purged a lot of unnecessary stuff for me—material things, activities, and even relationships. It narrowed down what I really needed and wanted in my life. It made me realize that if another pandemic were to ensue (hopefully the fuck not anymore), I want to be with people I can rely on, surrounded by things that will help me get through hell, and be able to do activities that would and could keep my body, mind, and soul healthy.
I'm still in the process of perfecting how to set my boundaries but I learned that I shouldn't give so much of myself to things that don't add value to my life and people who won't put any effort to match my energy. From here on, I want only what's best for me (in a selfless won't-hurt-people-around-me kind of way).
There is discomfort in change, but how do you want to change or grow into this new ~you~ you are currently forming?
As someone who went through the pains of being an associate in a cut-throat industry, I always cheered myself on by believing that "I want to become great at what I do so I have to go through these." The same way I want to be an adult who can Actually Do Things™ independently, I believe that I have to learn things on my own so I could be a better person and fulfill my dreams in the future. Sounds cheesy to some but being able to make your dreams come true is such a rewarding feeling!
What are you looking forward to the most?
Finally, finally, FINALLY, having the physical and mental space and time to THINK of personal projects. Hahaha, I don't even have anything yet in mind, so I have to think of it first before I get to work on it.
A Little Bit of EverythingEverything
❃ Some journal prompts that helped me recently:
Is there something in your life that needs to end? Are you resisting this? Why?
What proactive steps can you take to allow this to unfold?
Are you being gentle with yourself during this change? Do you feel supported?
❃ I’m sad about Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural ending. I binged watched all seasons last month.
❃ A book that I think of when I think about endings.
❃ This song. If I were to create a soundtrack for my life, this would be part of it. I remember crying to this song while driving, walking along Han River, smoking on our balcony, at the parking lot of Molito, etc. I would listen to this song at my lowest, and listening to it again… is... wow.
Thank you again for subscribing, sharing, and reading ‘til the end.
Have a great Christmas! See you next month.
🤎,
Gia